


What Price?

by DesireeArmfeldt



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Episode Tag, Episode: s04e09 Miller's Crossing, Guilt, M/M, POV Third Person, Pining, my first fic in this fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-15 05:50:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10551144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesireeArmfeldt/pseuds/DesireeArmfeldt
Summary: Episode tag for "Miller's Crossing."





	

Okay, so John would be lying to himself if he didn't admit that he's fantasized about telling Rodney. Confessing. How John feels. About him. "Making a declaration."

This isn't how he wanted to do it.

Nothing says "I love you" like convincing a man to commit suicide for your sake.

Rodney gets it. Gets what happened, anyway. What John did. What John did for him. What that cost John. Rodney knows John well enough to understand all that, and if John had any doubts, Rodney's just talked them both through it, just to make it absolutely crystal clear that they both know what just happened, and why.

And then, Rodney forgives him. Come have dinner, just like always, just like before. We'll be just like before. I'm not afraid of you, you don't disgust me. We're still friends. And we'll pretend this never happened, because it’s not the kind of thing you talk about, but we won't forget.  
Which is. . .well, it's a fucking relief, is what it is. Because obviously, John would pick Rodney's life over Rodney's friendship if it came down to it, every time, but that doesn't mean that losing Rodney's friendship wouldn't rip a big ugly piece right out of him. And if there’s a little part of him that’s aching because whether or not Rodney understands exactly how John loves him, John can never tell him now. . .well, it’s not like he was ever going to actually make that declaration anyway. He’s almost smiling as he gets up off his bed and follows Rodney towards the mess hall. Almost.

But then, as they’re casually bickering about which of them is more good-looking, it hits John with stomach-churning clarity: he expected this. He knew—or at least, he was pretty sure—that Rodney would forgive him. Be grateful for what John did for him, maybe even admire him for it, dirty hands and all.

John knew the price he was choosing to pay for Rodney’s life. He also had a pretty good idea of what it wasn’t going to cost him.

“What?” says Rodney, turning to look at John, who’s stopped dead in the middle of the hall. “Come on, I’m starving.”

“You go ahead,” John tells him, surprised at how normal his voice sounds.

“But I thought you wanted—”

John shrugs as he turns away, not waiting to see whether Rodney’s expression resolves into irritation, sympathy, or hurt. 

“I’m not hungry after all.”

**Author's Note:**

> So, I wrote this...but now I'm not totally sure what I thought I was trying to say. Hopefully it works for you anyway, Gentle Reader! :)


End file.
